i think its really a sign when i'm nearly in tears everytime i put the phone down.

snowboarding!

photos from serre chevalier (:

oh god, as much as i really enjoyed myself, love france and loved e slopes in serre chevalier. i don't think i'll be going back there to snowboard anytime soon :p the amount of cheese, cream & potatoes i consumed over the 5 days there is probably more than what i consumed in my entire lifetime. stef would be a very happy-trooper there -.- my digestive system was ready to go kaput i tell you.


pristine white mountains at the peak of serre chevalier


bunny slopes :D


with my snowboard on one of e runs.


tsuki tsuki!!!


reuben is an ABSOLUTE DARLING. he's adorable


e snowboarders, kaylene, reuben & i!


at e peak of serre chevalier :D i managed to do green, blue and bits of red slopes by my 2nd day :D and then got quite a few concussions after that. heh.


tired snowboarder :p snow was freezing my arse off, so i sat on my snowboard :p hahaha


the whole group minus jag


angela baby & i going up on e chair lift. i'm only this pale because of e excessive amounts of sunblock i kept slathering on -.- but i didn't turn much darker and i have no goggle-tan. so there :p


happily-slow, no-pressure group (: hahaha, so much more fun going down e slopes without a whole gang of expert skiers waiting for you -.- angela baby, chyna & nathan


this was my biggest souvenir of e trip (y)

hahaha :p sorry weffy, its kinda hard to type when your fingers are fat, swollen, stiff and trembling -.- just got back from serre chevalier today. whoosh. bloody awesome trip :D

omg i'm all black and blue all over from snowboarding. hit my head 5 times -.- i think i've become stupider. and i think i'm falling sick. snorts. so i shall stay in bed today :p

more pictures & snowboard-gushing tmr!

i hate the idea that the end of uni and entry into the workforce is the beginning of the end.

ARGHS. i hate the finality with which so many ppl talk with.

okay, last annoyed/angsty/frustrated post before i head off to france :p

so long warm spring days, hello freezing alps :D

you know what, i'll take this fucking system and whatever shit it throws at me, as long as i can be where my heart is and it means that i can live with myself. at least for the next few years, i'll take it.

sighs, there are times i wish i was that kinda girl. hahaha, cassandra would be so disappointed in me for my moments of 'weakness'. but i can't help it really. i wonder if life would be so much easier if i was that kinda girl.

but yet at the same time, i can't imagine myself living any other way really.

being the ocd planner that i am. i've mapped out this entire new plan of how my life's going to be now. hahaha. spent a whole night on that :p

i refuse to be sucked into the system. refuse to be satisfied with average success. refuse refuse refuse.

i don't want to think i'm making excuses for myself. but this is the only way i can deal with everything and accept it all i suppose.

sighs, screw all this. i'm off to france in e morning for learn to snowboard :D

whoosh!

law ball (:

i don't want to leave. or maybe i'm just afraid of being sucked into the system.

its a overwhelming fear that leaves me breathless.

this is my 1000th post on this blog. wow.

4 years have come and gone just like that. haha. and in this 4 years, i've stumbled and fell, gotten lost quite a few times, but i found who i am, and who i want to be. and where i want to be in 10 years time. how i get there is a question i can't quite answer yet. but i'll get there. one way or another, i hope 4 years from now, this blog will still be around, and i'll be writing about bigger things (:

i'm waiting for the far future with a quiet, non-expectant, calm heart. i closed the door on all the heartache. but sometimes, a few wisps of longing creeps out from e small crack between the door and the floor. and in that single brief moment, i'm hit with an image that i've probably dreamed of and yet doubt. haha. i'm not making sense again am i :p

omg this waiting is PURE TORTURE.

i think i'm going to have an anxiety attack before this week is over. oh god. i cannot deal with this. my blackberry & my lse email scare the shit out of me. brilliant -.- i've now been reduced to a technology-fearing idiot. wonderful.

last day of school today. wouldn't really call it last class ever, since i'm assuming i'm turning up for revision classes. shrugs. maybe its the lack of sleep, but it hasn't quite sunk in yet. i think i'm sadder to leave my room in my apartment, than i am to leave lse. snorts. i spend way more time in my room right here in front of my desk, than i do in school anyway :p

this is really discouraging -.- grumbles.

i don't think i've ever been put in a situation where i could possibly never see the ppl who make such a large part of my life again.

who knows where we'll end up. with such a diverse and international bunch, we're literally going to be scattered all over the world. and while those i'm close to, i'm sure i'll see again, it still makes me sad that it's no longer going to be as often as i would like. and for those that are part of my life but aren't as close, it could be goodbye forever really.

sighs. my heart aches with sadness.

god i'm so tired i feel like i can collapse on my feet.

i hope night and sleep comes soon. and this very cranky grumpy day will be over

distaste and disgust.

you'd think that after all this time, you'd either get over it, or grow up. seriously.

i'm not that kind of girl

i don't know how to be that kind of girl

i wonder if my castle walls are too high to be scaled?

i'm really tired.

tired from waiting so anxiously for replies.
tired from being frightened of new emails.
tired from being tugged in all directions.
tired because of inconsideration.
tired from the endless list of things to do that really bore the shit out of me

i can't wait for sunday to come. for the 5 days of pure escapism.

i keep saying i don't want to work. that this year isn't the time yet. and i wonder really, will that time ever come?

i really can't answer that. i'm not ready to settle down into a regular, rigid and mundane cycle. i love the irregularity of my life now. i owe an answer to no one. and there isn't a real need for me to be anywhere, other than studying for my exams, turning up and getting the grade i want.

i realise the reason why i fear work, is not that i fear work in general. i fear work in spore. especially conventional jobs in spore, which a lawyer kinda smacks of. and seeing the lack of enthusiasm i've had for most law subjects in general, like BA, tort and trusts. with a slight interest in contracts and an overwhelming love for public international law. i can so see myself falling into the trap of being a commercial litigator because i can and i think i'm relatively good at, but not something i love and have this burning passion for. but at the same time, i've got no option really. if i want to work for the UN as a lawyer, i'm stuck.

the idea of falling into that mindless cycle that is work life in spore scares the shit out of me. even after three years of insane traveling, the hunger to see the world and have my breath taken away still burns in me. i want to be spontaneous, and still be young and crazy. just because i start work, doesn't mean i can't fly off to thailand for the weekend and go lie on the beach for like 2 days and find some cute beach fling. hahaha.

i don't understand why sporeans believe that starting work means 'growing up' and having to act like a proper adult. fuck, i reject the idea of being 'grown up' and an 'adult'. i think i'm going to spend the rest of my life rejecting it, even when i'm a grandmother. snorts. everything becomes insignificant. dating, marriage and children become this obligatory life ritual, and you go along ticking the boxes, trying to get them all before you turn 30. dates out become the mind-blowingly boring, passion killing obligatory dinner and date. shopping at orchard road on saturday, movie on sunday. on valentine's day the standard roses, romantic gift (rolls eyes), overpriced, bad quality dinner. massive expensive dinner on your yearly anniversary. everything becomes a fucking obligation. you do it because you have to. gifts start having to become more and more expensive. branded goods, significant jewelry.

god, what happens to the sweet handmade, handwritten, heartfelt stuff. things that are original and filled with sincerity, love and originality.

and then either you lose touch with your friends when you get married, because 'family is more important', 'husband is my world' or 'i have no time', or outings just revolve around a meal once every two weeks or once a month. like a mindless ritual. so then what happens if something happens and you're all alone again. yeah, you're really alone.

i want to work in a job that i love, that helps me accomplish what i want to do in life, allows me to travel, and allows me to be with people that feel the same as me. and i honestly can't see that in spore. and i'm not sure i can deal with that.

great. from ranting about jobs in general, i've gone on to rant about life in general. haha. what to do what to do.

is this a quarter-life crisis? hahaha

we might not all be soulmates, but god, i love my friends here. i'll be really sad to leave. they're the most mismatched bunch of individuals, but the heart of it all is good. really good.

law ball was really fun (: dressing up, buying things, walking back in the freezing cold, talking to ming & cass, phonecalls with angela, crazy moments with my friends. it kinda put things into perspective. i'm happy now, that's what counts right?

if its meant to be, it'll be.

that's my favourite phrase. and i believe in it. i genuinely do.

i guess it wasn't meant to be then.

maybe it wasn't meant to be now, maybe its never meant to be. but i'll keep holding on for as long as i can. till the last string is snipped away i suppose.

who said life is easy. i never did like to do the easy things anyway. haha, neither do i like the easy way out. so i'll just keep struggling here in the only way i know how, and hope that someone sees that struggle one day i suppose.

fuck.

i'm not sad there's nothing to say

watching the video on the repetto website makes my heart ache with missing, longing and a feeling i'm not quite fond of, regret.

i realise i have a bloody low threshold for imbeciles, rudeness, immaturity or skankiness. snorts.

there's a girl in front of me who seems to fulfil two out of that four. and the guys next to me that fulfill e first three -.- wow i love the lse.

how time flies. and how cruel the passing of time can be. what was it, 4 or 5 years ago when brokeback mountain won for best song at the oscars. and the bright fire of heath ledger was extinguished just like that soon after. till today, the quiet strums of the guitar still bring me flashes of the images of the vast and rolling hills. and tonight, it was another country-ish song that took it. the weary kind from crazy heart. ryan bingham's rough scratchy voice, the lyrics. while wonderful, does bring with it a slight bitterness. mms.



we are all on the brink of a massive change. standing at the edge of the cliff, we're waiting for that push, and then we'll be swept away by the waves. i'm not ready to buckle down and settle into a 9-5 job. somehow i'm not able to accept it. and so, i'm just waiting for a sign, any sign, to possibly tell me that this is not the path for me. i've done everything i can to put myself into the life i want to live, so i hope -crosses fingers- that i've done enough

its been one awesomely sweet weekend :p HAHA. found the best cupcakes EVER (look at hello sunshine -->), went out with kal, got pierre herme macarons & truffles and more calpico. teehee.

i think one of my biggest fears about going back home is that i'll be caged in back in spore. no more jet-setting lifestyle with holidays ever so often. it is so much harder to travel out of spore ): though japan & korea's nearer. hahaha.

whoosh, post graduation plans now definitely includes spore time with my loves back home, hongkong with kal, and then i can visit kaylene, chyna and charms :DDD, and hopefully i can squeeze in korea before i disappear wherever. lalalaaaa :D but before korea, its going to be like a month of intensive korean and japanese lessons first. haha.

i hate this limbo status. give me a reply already damnit. whether its a yes or not, at least tell me so i can plan -.-

pierre herme is a fucking genius (y)

even though his macarons & truffles are now here in london, i still have to go back to his shop in st. germain. mummy bought me my first box of macarons from there in our first summer, and since then, every time i've been to paris, i've been to his shop. bought macarons and the best vanilla tart you'll ever have. then sit by the square by st. sulpice and eat them as i watch the parisian crowd stroll by (:

sheesh. traveling is seriously the biggest trend in my family. extended family included. my second aunt is a crazy jet-setter. since she's retired now, she randomly disappears off to canada for 4 months to stay with my 5th aunt, just for fun. hahaha. and she was the one that used to tell me all about her crazy trips all around the world when i was young. she's been to almost every country, with the exception of central middle east. her travel tales are awesome. hahaha. everyone says how similar i am to her :p

my third aunt also runs around the world with her lecturer husband. my 2nd uncle is a supervising officer on SIA, so he's off everywhere all the time. haha. i love him. and of course my parents love to travel. my dad is never at home for more than 4 days in a row -.-

so when my family does go on holiday, we don't do things quite so normally. everyone's a frequent flyer, and so everyone has their quirks with traveling -.- which is pain sometimes. and then my dad and uncle must have their creature comforts when it comes to traveling. good flight, good hotel and good food. hahaha. then seeing as how everyone has gone almost everywhere, its all about going off the beaten path. we always ALWAYS do road trips. and seeing as how everyone in my family can be incredibly domineering, this always result in some form of argument/fight and someone sulking away in the car after that -rolls eyes- you'd think they were 5 year old kids fighting over candy you know.

so yes, we're doing an italian villa trip this time. we're plonking ourselves firmly in wine country - chianti. drink ourselves silly and take day trips all over tuscany. at least they can take turns to drive then -.- i wonder if i can get in on e action and drive too :p sucks being the youngest. hahaha.

wow, my travel-crazy aunt is a fantastic decision maker. so decisive (y)

so looks like i'll be heading up to ireland in summer too :p hahaha. which probably means a shorter eastern europe trip. ah wells, i'll deal (:

it is with open and more forgiving hearts we are here. and somehow for those few moments, the distance isn't there.

we've grown in our own ways, at our pace, and suddenly the rough surfaces, that used to rub against each other and cause so much pain, either are gone or just don't seem to come into contact anymore.

its a quiet, content place to be. but i like it. forgiveness, acceptance, honesty. haha. i sound like some saint. snorts.

hahaha. i'm watching this korean drama now, and while one out of the three women annoys me to death. the other two, i seriously can see the 5 of us being like that in e future. HAHAHA :p

new post on hello sunshine -->

WHAHAHAHA :p what a bloody joke. a 'family' christian online bookshop sells yaoi books. this made my day. snorts

mms. kim bum (: oh how easily you capture my heart. hahaha.

whoosh. its cold again (: at least there's something good out of this week.

teehee, i'm looking forward to e world cup (((: looks like i'll be watching them from london, greece, paris and eastern europe. cool (: pity czech republic didn't make it.

teehee, with e sporeans staying on in london, and angela always being here, i'm definitely coming back for the 2012 olympics. and then maybe the 2014 world cup in brazil? hahaha. exciting stuff! i hope korea gets either e olympics or winter olympics. then i'll definitely be there :D woots. doubt i'll do sochi for the 2014 winter olympics though. haha.

i think i need some anger management classes -.-

oh i love this version (:

gods, its been a blur of three days. 3 essays due this week + lack of sleep has resulted in this rather zombie state of drifting in and out of sleep, waking up and sitting in front of my laptop for 7 hours churning out my essay, and then falling back into sleep again at e most ridiculous hours. i haven't been in to school for 3 days :p HAHA. whoops.

mms, summer plans are looking good. greece if my friend doesn't pangseh me (again). eastern europe: austria, czech republic, hungary, poland and perhaps montenegro seeing as aleks is from there and has loads of recommendations to make. haha. paris (as usual. i LOVE e summer sales. teeheehee) perhaps with sonya? and italy with my family (((: rome, vatican city, florence, chianti, parma, CAPRI! i like things that come in a circle. i started my first summer with italy, and one full circle we shall go (: just that its the north this time, and i think we're driving, and with my uncles, its probably going to be drink driving. snorts. vineyards :DDD hahaha, with my uncles who buy wines and food by the crates, i pale in comparison. so my mum has no right to yell at me. whahahaha. i like i like. traveling with my uncles is awesome.

ming ah. e only time you write on my tagboard is when its about a boy -.-

and to this day, even though the memories have faded, and so have the feelings. i still feel a slight clench of my heart when i hear 'do you hear the people sing'. i haven't watched that musical since then. haha. the power music and memories has on my life. mms.

leaving london isn't going to be easy.

mms. i love listening to the phantom of the opera and les miserables soundtracks. i remember when i was younger, when these musicals came to town, daddy would definitely get tickets for us to go. and i'd dress up in my favourite dark velvet dresses with my neatly folded down lace socks and my pretty mini heels just to go watch them. and i'd sit there for a good two three hours and be completely enthralled.

i'd hum the songs the whole way home. 'all i ask of you' and 'castle on a cloud' especially. and for the next few weeks, all my parents would hear around the house and in the car would be those few songs. hahaha.

but i think the highlight of all the performances was when my parents brought me to royal albert hall when i first visited london, when i was 10 i think? and we watched swan lake by the royal ballet. i don't remember much of the performance, but i cannot forget the feeling of absolute contentment. hahaha, till this day, when i see the royal albert hall, i get this shiver of excitement. haha.

i honestly can't imagine how my life would be without dance, music and theatre. its been such a big part of my life, and everything i do seems to be a part of it and because of it. even now, i see mooting and litigation like another performance. hahaha.

spring is coming. the skies are getting brighter each day, the sun rising earlier each morning, and setting later each evening, the day's getting longer, the night's getting shorter and the weather's getting warmer. that's everything i hate -.-

i am such a fall, winter girl. sighs. here comes the sun and heat ): oh woe behold me.

i spent the morning in bed. sleeping everything off. mms. i haven't had the chance to laze in bed in what feels like forever. my poor weary body :p i sound like an old grandmother. hahaha.

mms, july looks to be an interesting month. there's my vacation under the tuscan sun (oh god the heat). my crazy family in europe, clearing out my life in london. ahaha, anthony's going to be in spore. fabian wants to come visit. everyone's going to be back. cass is holding out on mambo, waiting for my return (wow she really loves me HAHA). i'm looking forward to it (;

on a last note, much love to cherie (: who literally kept me from going insane the last 3/4 months. you're awesome love <3

it was great while it lasted. exhausting, extremely hard work, trying, time consuming, frustrating at times, emotionally, mentally & physically draining. but it was really worth it. i feel like i've learnt so much more from these four months than in the last two years really. and its really awesome.

thanks ming for telling me i had to do it (: you know me too well. hahaha.

i genuinely can see myself doing this for the rest of my life. and its an exciting prospect really. and i suppose this was the first small step towards that. and for what i've gotten out of it, the wonderful people i've met and the fantastic memories, i'm okay with it.

and so the play/pause button is pushed again.